I should have remembered just how painful it is to see those I love show appathy towards my work...
Last weekend was a joint birthday celebration for my lovely hubby and my Dad. I'd been looking forward to seeing my family again for weeks, but now I remember why it has been so long since I last saw them.
In a nutshell
My mum arrived seemingly happy said "Oh, you've been painting again, lets have a look!" So without thinking and being caught off guard I said "sure, have a look at this one, its my first painting since 1992" pointing to Purple Shores, the canvas on the wall behind her.
I quickly wished I hadn't said that, but she had already turned around and was starring closely at the painting for what seemed like hours. I stood there feeling paralysed hoping she would like it. Mmm, foolish I know.
She then stood up, not looking back at me at all and said to my Dad, who was in the next room "What time do we have to be at the restaurant?"
Not a word to me about the painting and no expression of like/dislike, nothing at all???
I know, I should have asked what she thought of it, and why she said nothing? But, past experience has taught me that if nothing is said then best leave it. Considering I was feeling so fragile about the painting anyway, I really didnt want to have salt poured into the wound, in case she didn't like it.
Coming from a outwardly 'normal' family, I hadn't realised fully until many years after I left home just how their negative attitude towards anything outside of their expectations for me has had such a crushing impact on how I have lived my life.
Ya see it was with much regret that I put the brushes away many years ago, due to a culmination of an unhappy time studying fine art at college and not living up to my parents expectations.
It as only a month ago that I was feeling strong enough to paint again in my own abstract style. Rather than that which was expected but that I was never good enough to accomplish well enough myself.
Painting for me has always instinctively been about showing my inner feelings and allowing the brush to create the art work through my soul, rather than painting an impression of a true life image.
I can appreciate and enjoy the talent of realistic fine artists, but I have never had any desire to capture reality on canvas in that way. A camera does the job perfectly well for capturing the moments I would like to recall again and again, and in any case painting has always been a way of depicting a view of my soul through colour and texture above all.
My parents guided me away from painting by humiliating me and ridiculing my artwork. In an attempt to encourage me to seek finacial reward through the normal 9-5 channels. Unfortunately, for my parents -success is only measured by financial reward.Which I now find hollow and sad, to say the least.
I on the other hand, have always preferred far better to feel richer in my heart having made someone smile, than to be loaded with cash and end up living in an empty castle. That said, we all need to eat. So yes I need to earn enough to feed myself and my family, but financial reward is not my guiding light. I see it as a wonderful added bonus and a certain amount of vindication for the path I have taken in life.
I have made a finacial success of my life through my specialist skin care business, which has enabled me to use my creativity developing a range of products and through creating and buildiing the company from scratch. This finacial success is of less importance, than than the joy of easing others pain, or finding a solution to a long term problem through my wonderfully innocent products.
In all honesty I dream like many of being discovered by someone who can see my creative potential and who wishes to nurture it. The chances of which happening are slimmer than winning the lottery, I know. Yet, I feel driven to try and succeed or else what's the point?
To be honest I feel embarrassed to share this, but it is honest, so why not? I have nothing to hide. Every one of us has a drive to achieve something and the reasons for doing so equally as diverse.
A friend asked "What would you do if someone was to 'discover you', surely then you would lose your ambition?"
My answer was a clear "No way!
You see, then I would move forward confidently, celebrating my creativity, enjoying it, and being proud of it. I would create more, achieve more, and set more goals. Without feeling like I was doing it inspite of my parents, or to prove a point. For want of better words
I would be free..."
Whatever comes my way I will make the best of it, and keep fighting to find that freedom one day.
For now I am fighting to hold onto my brushes, not to put them away again for another 20 years following last weekends experience.
I m gutted and ashamed to have been so easily put off something I felt so much joy for again just a month ago.
I guess that is the kind of power a parent can have over a child, no matter their age.
I will do all I can not to let history repeat itself for my two beautiful girls!
Namaste, and thank you for all your love and support along the way.
x
